Friday, 4 August 2017

Has your "try" become weak? Time for intention.

Do you ever find yourself saying or thinking the words "I'll try" and knowing deep in your heart that you won't? I am annoying myself every time those words cross my thoughts or pass my lips. I know that the word "try" has come to mean this weak offering of some intention rather than a gutsy word conveying conscious effort. I desire to live more intentionally with purpose and attention to how I am spending my time. My everyday reality does not reflect that as often as I'd like. It is easy to make excuses and there are even legitimate ones in my life right now, like a sick child demanding much of my physical emotional energy. Today I chose to take "try" to a deeper level. I got rid of an app that has been sucking my time without adding value or purpose. I chose to watch less Netflix and read instead. These may seem like small examples but I sense the shift internally. There is an urgency and fire rising within me. Try will no longer be a fob off attempt at easing my conscience but conscious choices to change my behaviour one bit at a time. 

This post was written as part of Five Minute Friday on the prompt word "try". Each Friday writers gather to write unedited for five minutes and share our thoughts together. You can read the contributions of others here

Friday, 28 July 2017

Will grief inspire or pull you under?

In the midst of an intense season, a friend died. One of those friends who used to be a big part of my life but we had lost touch. One of those friends who you bump into and say, "we need to catch up" and never do. Do you have those friends? The emotions and grief of this loss and the funeral brought a dark tide. That tide had already been lapping up my legs and rising with a to do list and big life events adding buckets to it. This threatened to raise that tide over my head. Processing through these feelings and what was spoken about at the funeral, I have come to the realisation that I can either let this grief pull me under or use it to inspire me to return to living a full life. When someone your age leaves this earth, it brings your own mortality close. Do I want my recent days to be my lasting legacy? What is it that I truly value in life? Do I keep doing the same things day in and day out or do I take the next brave step? I want my life to inspire others. 

This post was written as part of Five Minute Friday, where writers set a timer for five minutes and write on a prompt without editing. This week's word was "inspire". You can read other writers' thoughts on this prompt here.

Friday, 14 July 2017

Stepping towards the next comfort zone: a Five Minute Friday post

How can I simultaneously be so drawn to staying in my comfort zone and restless to break free at the same time? When did the step that felt so huge become my comfort zone? Where am I seeking comfort? Tomorrow I am stepping (leaping?) out of my comfort zone and meeting up with other writers in a cafe. I have never met a single one of these women. I feel I can barely qualify as a writer in this season. And yet I am drawn to it. Comfortable can be so uncomfortable too. I need something to shake up the status quo, particularly in my writing life or lack thereof. I am turning to distraction for comfort once more instead of leaning into the disquietude and exploring it with my words. The words are bubbling in the back of my mind but I give them no outlet. I stop and remember that what feels new and uncomfortable so quickly turns into a new normal. That quest for stretching out is a never-ending process if I want to be fully me. That changes on a frequent basis. It seems easier on a day where I have stayed in my pyjamas and not stepped past my front door to keep going with that mentality, to stay where it is comfortable. I choose to step towards the next comfort zone instead.

This was written in response to the Five Minute Friday prompt word "comfort" this week. Five minutes set on a timer- no editing, no planning, just writing. It feels good to be back today. 
You can read other people's submissions on this word here.

Thursday, 1 June 2017

What I learned this Autumn

As one season comes to a close and the next begins, I pause for a moment and reflect. What have I learned over the past few months? What have life, God and my experiences been revealing to me from the silly to the mundane to the profound? Emily Freeman has the practice of reflecting on and writing about what she has learned and I have joined her in this for the past year or so. Here in Australia, Autumn is drawing to a close and Winter is beginning. Here's what I have learned over the past three months.

  • This is not a season of writing for me and I can't force it to be. I have a book sitting almost completed, blog post ideas and opportunities to write that could be carved out but I feel deep down to my core that writing is not where my focus and energy is supposed to be concentrated for this season. I still carry that identity as a writer within and know that seasons will come again where my soul and mind will pursue it more fully once more. For now, I will not beat myself up or play the comparison game but let it be.

  • Related in some ways is the sense of being in limbo in some way. I can't explain it or chase it away. I can't ignore it into being something else. I am learning to just observe it and sit in that place. I am reminded of the concept of liminal spaces that I have wrestled with before. I guess what has taken me by surprise with this particular feeling of being in a liminal space is the fact that I am in a new season in many ways, with my new position with MOPS Australia, a new pilot program I am part of at work and my daughter starting full-time school. I am learning that this feeling can have little to do with external circumstances and what appears to be happening and more to do with an internal space. Time will show what this is all about.

  • A camping trip doesn't have to be perfect, to be perfect. Over the last school holidays, we went on a family camping trip that has been declared our best trip ever. It was not without its issues, challenges, irritable moments and causes of sleeplessness and yet was brilliant. How often do I focus on the negative instead of viewing as a whole? This time was different. I look forward to more trips like that.

  • Shiny shoes do not have to be reserved for special occasions but can brighten my everyday. 
  • I have long known that I have amazing friends. I was reminded again of how small gestures between friends can mean the world. It has been an incredibly tough couple of weeks for my family and a dear friend bought these flowers for me. She even took the time to find my favourite colour. 

  • Mother's Day is just as much or even more for my child than it is for me. Seeing her joy and excitement at pampering me and giving me gifts is what it is all about. That is where the true gift and appreciation comes from. 

  • Sunrises are worth braving the chilly morning air for.

  • The biggest lesson of the past month has been the reminder that life comes with the unexpected. A single day can change the whole outlook of your year. In the midst of it, I still have a choice. Do I allow the unexpected to wipe me out, derail everything and bury me? Do I stand in faith and peace, the kind of peace that is not dependent on good outcomes and my emotions all being positive? This is when my faith goes deeper, is tested and refined. This is when the words that I spout are proven or shown to be nothing but air. 
You can read what others have learned in this season over on Emily Freeman's site. 

Thursday, 11 May 2017

My soul is singing today. Is yours?

I read this excerpt from a T.S. Eliot poem a few weeks ago:

It spoke to something deep within me. I find it hard to find the words to describe the internal season I have been walking (trudging?) through of late. In many ways, my life seems to be going well. I have days free to spend as I wish while my daughter is at school. I have ample time to read, write, catch up with friends, do my MOPS work, keep the house. And yet those things haven't been done like I would want. I turn to numbing distraction frequently. A symptom of my soul feeling heavy and disconnected. The words that used to flow dried up. The focus and passion within me dissipated. I can't put my finger on a cause or come up with clear answers and explanations. Outwardly, there may not have been much evidence but inwardly I have been fighting through sludge.

That poem spoke of hoping for the wrong thing and loving the wrong thing. That resonated with me in a way I can't entirely explain. Or maybe I don't want to be able to explain. Maybe the hope and love I had were being skewed in directions that I was not meant to be walking. The line that struck me the most? "Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought." I was able to release my analytical mind. I don't have to have all the answers. Maybe you need to give yourself permission to stop thinking too, in this season.

Today, my soul is singing. I have had flashes of that over the past few months but today feels like light and breath and peace and joy. I wish I could share the one secret that is making a difference. It doesn't exist, at least not in a discrete one moment kind of way. I see the weaving of conversations, themes in various reading material, little steps of obedience and doing just the next one thing in front of me coming together. I see evidence of the hand of the Weaver through it all. I am overwhelmed once more with the experience of God being interested in the details of my life and using his gentle, loving hand to work within and guide me. 

In this season, I released the expectation I had been placing on myself to write in the public arena. I have been living the truth of this quote from Emily Freeman

"Sometimes the breaks are necessary. Most times they are, for me anyway. But if you’re like me at all, you might struggle with getting back into your rhythm and maybe feel awkward to bumble back in to things, whether that be a small group you’ve not visited in a while, a book you put down and keep meaning to return to, or a conversation you’re listening to from a distance but haven’t stepped into yet.
But maybe you need time away from the words in order to find them again.
Maybe you need some space from people in order to remember why you need them so much."
I cannot see the future and whether this season is finished or if I simply have a reprieve today. I have the confidence to keep walking day by day, to keep making choices even when I don't feel like it, to look ahead and not behind and to give myself permission to let go of expectations. 

What internal season are you in? Are you needing to wait without thought for a time? Do you need time away to regain those passions you once had? Do you need to seek the hand of the Weaver and watch for the evidence of his hand in your days? May your soul be still.

Tuesday, 28 February 2017

What I learned this summer

In the rush of life, I have become more and more invested in taking the time to stop and reflect. I used to do this monthly but I am joining with Emily Freeman in moving to a seasonal approach. Today marks the end of summer here in the Southern Hemisphere. The end of a season provides a chance to stop and take stock of what I have learned. I share those lessons here with you, both the deep and the mundane.
(This post contains affiliate links which help to support me and my writing at no extra cost to you.)

  • Sabbath from social media- I have been reading the journeys of other people in breaking the hold of social media and screens in their lives by taking a Sabbath break. It was while reading a post from Amanda Viviers that I finally felt the conviction to commit to it. I have been toying with the idea for so long. I had already been using the Quality Time app on my phone to add scheduled breaks into my day, restricting access to certain apps at those times. It was a logical next step to block it for a day. I had to carefully consider which apps I would allow myself access to and take the step of setting up the break in the app. For me, Sundays were the best day for this. I have had this implemented for the past few weeks. It was harder than I would have liked that first week but I have noticed it becoming easier. I have also noticed a knock on effect into the week as well. The habit of constant checking is being lessened. Maybe this will be the encouragement that you need to implement breaks from your phone and social media.

  • Falling in love with Doterra essential oils- I knew that I would and avoided exploring them for a long time because of it. My daughter's sleep has improved. My mood has been impacted for the better. My health has been supported (I was really sceptical at first but have now stopped two colds from developing past a scratchy throat!) Now to build up my collection and uses slowly!

  • This year brought all new routines- I expected this with my daughter starting school full time and being in a new MOPS role. The anticipation and trying to work out logistics was a constant hum bubbling under the surface. I was so glad when school actually started and we could just start living it and figuring it out as we went. We are now almost 5 weeks into the term and life is settling into the new normal more or less.

  • Do it scared- A lesson that I have had to relearn on many occasions. This season has contained huge learning curves in fully stepping into the MOPS State Leader position, running my first Leadership Training Event, speaking at groups I haven't spoken at before, becoming a mum to a full-time school attendee and seeking answers to some health issues with my daughter. Every part has required that I do it scared. I have had to model that to my daughter as she faced the anxiety of starting at a new school and as she went through multiple blood tests. I refuse to allow fear to rule my decisions and actions. I refuse to allow fear to keep my daughter captive. I am so grateful for Scriptures that provide truth to combat fear and friends that pray me through tough moments.

  • Sometimes you will need to buy winter pants in the middle of summer- The weather this summer has been confusing and unpredictable, particularly in February. Normally you can predict what it will be like- hot, hot, hot. This year we have had many really cold, wet, rainy days that would fit in perfectly with winter. This required a mad dash around multiple shops and shopping centres trying to find school uniform compliant pants for my skinny daughter. She was well set up with summer uniform. Silly me to think that winter uniform could wait until winter! Further proof that life will throw up the unexpected in any and all areas.

  • I still seek distraction when overwhelmed- Long to do lists, an impending event that I was organising and running and tasks waiting in every area of my life would surely spur me on to productivity, right? Nope. I binge-watched Netflix. It took me a couple of days to realise this pull towards mindless entertainment and distraction was a symptom of the overwhelm I was feeling internally. Just when I think I am getting a handle on managing stress, self-care and rest that actually restores I am faced with the truth of my default setting. Recognising what was going on helped; prayer helped more; giving myself grace and other sources of rest helped still more. I am still working on finding the most helpful rhythms of rest and work within my new routines. I am working on how I approach higher workload times leading up to events. I am working on utilising distraction when needed without sacrificing too much of my time and emotional energy to it.

  • My introvert soul loves being a school mum- I miss the extra time with my daughter and some of the things that we used to do, like library trips, but I love this new season of parenting. I am (mostly) a better mum in the times I am with her now. I have days where I have the flexibility and space to spend hours alone, whether working on MOPS work at home, doing housework or something fun. My soul is thriving with this quiet and space. I find I have far more emotional energy to give her when she is home. We play games together and I find myself less pulled to do other tasks instead (although that is still a work in progress!) I really wasn't sure how I would respond to this season. It is not without challenges, of course, but I am embracing this time.

  • Lent has caught me by surprise- This is strange since I have been thinking about it in flashes since Advent! It starts tomorrow and I have done no planning towards it. I loved how focusing on Advent brought depth and significance to Christmas. I want the same for Lent and Easter. This season coming up is a busier time for me in many ways. It will take a high degree of intentionality to pull it off. I am grateful that it is 40 days which gives me the space to allow myself extra time to come up with a plan for how to focus on this time of year well. I am still undecided about what Lent devotional I want to use or if I will use one at all. I am undecided how I wil build this in around the many trips away I have between now and Easter. I am undecided on how I want to celebrate Easter itself with my daughter this year. In fact, the only thing I have decided on is using the Sense of the Resurrection again this year with my daughter. It is written by the same woman who wrote Truth in the Tinsel that we use at Christmas time. It is only 12 experiences to fit in to the whole 40 days of lent making it achievable. I love how hands on and sensory the activities are and how they make the stories come alive in new ways. I am excited to see how much more my daughter grasps this year.

If you are like me and want to create space to focus on Lent but haven't got there yet, I would love to share a Lent planner with you for free. Sometimes we just need something to give us the structure and reminder for each day. You can sign up to receive the free planner below.

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Friday, 10 February 2017

The lure and lie of safety

The concept of safety is one that I have long wrestled with, especially since becoming a parent. I long to keep my daughter safe and protected but want her to be able to take risks and live life fully too. How do I balance the two?

Add in faith and trusting in God and the conflict rises to a whole new level. I struggle to trust at times because I know that God doesn't promise safety in the way that I want. He doesn't promise that nothing will go wrong, that no harm will come to my family, that life will always be smooth. In fact, He says the opposite. The safety that he brings is a deeper, eternal perspective of safety. It is recognising that this world is temporary and safety here is not the ultimate goal.

Seeking safety in my life would mean missing out on so many opportunities to grow and learn. My life would not be the same. It would be boring. It would be tied up in even greater levels of anxiety if my whole focus was keeping my safety ideals in place, knowing that I can never control every variable.

My challenge is how to live with this knowledge and increase my surrender and trust to God, while helping my daughter feel safe and navigate her anxiety. I can't promise that there will never be a fire in our house like she has nightmares of. I can't promise that I will never be gravely ill as she fears. I can only lead her to the truth of God's faithfulness even when things seem dark.

This post is part of the Five Minute Friday challenge- writing five minutes unedited on the prompt word. This week's prompt is "safe" and you can read other people's thoughts here.