I read the prompt word for this week's Tuesday at Ten and had an unexpected reaction. I felt these emotions that took me a little while to identify. Begin. A seemingly benign word. So why did I feel excitement and dread, anticipation and overwhelmed, and general angst at just the thought of writing on this?
I needed some time to process this and what associations I have with this word. A beginning is full of potential, promise and opportunity. It is also full of the possibility of failure, tough times, hard work and defeat. The fear of the unknown comes into play. The tiredness I battle makes it seem easier just to continue with the same old patterns, habits, ways of doing than to fight past the apathy and change.
A new year brings beginnings by its very nature. While many things in my life are staying the same this year (at least as far as I can tell at this point), there are some new beginnings. This year I will begin as a leader in the MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at my church. I LOVE this group and haven't been able to participate for the past 2 years due to work commitments so there is a lot of excitement attached to this. There is also the growing realisation of the work that will be involved in the role I will be playing. I feel capable mostly and have learned to trust God to equip me for those areas I don't feel strong in. There is still that little voice of doubt buried deep, from that place of insecurity that has steadily grown smaller but not been eradicated.
Another change is my part time job becoming a job share with another person to increase the capacity of the program I teach. I don't foresee major issues in this but it is still an adjustment to how I have been working. I am truly thankful that I work for such an amazing organisation with spectacular people. It takes so much of the stress away.
The funniest association I discovered to the word "begin" is this voice in my head that I hear. It is the voice of an examiner telling me to begin an exam. My brain is an odd jumble at times!!
Only time will tell what other beginnings unfold in this year and how the known beginnings will play out. All I can do at this point is lean closer to Jesus and tackle the next thing in front of me.
What beginnings are you facing this year?